15. “Restoring the Household” (Ephesians 6)

 

Restoring the Household

Ephesians 6:1-4

 

So my dad is a brick mason. Let me tell ya, you don’t know anything about a messy garage until you’ve seen the garage of a brick mason. Sometimes on Saturday, my dad would come into the living room and say those dreaded words, “MacKenzie, I need you to clean the garage.” And after letting out a very audible “Ugghhh”, I’d step out into the garage and look around. And let out another audible “ugghh.” Because there weren’t just a few bikes and a lawn mower in our garage, there were 25 5-gallon buckets filled with masonry debris. There were 6 sets of 6-foot scaffolding, 20 galvanized planks, and tools bags, carpets, and cushions – and sometimes there was a literal kitchen sink. It was a lot. And every time my dad asked me to clean it, I would stand there for a few minutes looking around and thinking “I don’t even know where to begin.”

And I think many people feel that same way when it comes to the challenges we face in the household. There is probably no place in our world more gunked up by sin than the household. Families and household were meant to be places of love, growth, and belonging but so often they are less than that. Siblings fight; marriages grow cold; loved ones die. Sin has done a number on the household. 

But we need the household. The household is central to our flourishing. It is through this intimate relationship between child and parent where we learn about our relationship to God. Where we learn of his love. Where we learn right from wrong. And because of that, God has not given up on the household. No, instead, he is restoring it through Jesus, the risen Lord. And that is what we will be considering, as we’ve already heard from Ephesians 6 this morning. We will look at this passage in three parts. First, the good of the household, second, the goal of the household, and lastly, the growth of the household. 

In verse 1 Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.” And I suspect that the word that immediately jumps out to us in that verse is the word OBEY. And that word is important, and we will talk about it in a moment. But I want to suggest that that would not have been the first word that jumped out to the church at Ephesus. The first word that would’ve jumped out to them is the word “Children.” 

That word “children” might not stand out to us so much because in our modern world we are very attentive to children. We have children’s museums, most libraries have a dedicated children’s section, there are all sorts of shows and movies that are made specifically for children. But it wasn’t like that in the ancient world. You couldn’t go to your local ice cream shop and get a kid’s scoop. Their world was much less attentive and much less hospitable to children.

This section of Ephesians is often referred to as the household codes. And household codes were not Paul’s invention. In fact, household codes were very common in the Greco-Roman world. There were all sorts of rules for wives, for children, for servants. And these rules or these codes were always addressed to the male head of the household, to the father. He was, in their view, the only one worthy of address, because he was the one with all the power. And so, when Paul says, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord.” They probably could’ve heard a pin drop. You could imagine them thinking, “Wait a second… is he allowed to do that? We know Jesus said “let the little children come to me,” but can we really address children as… equals?”

Of course, the answer is yes, but unfortunately the church doesn’t always do a great job of addressing children. Even as I was trying to name this sermon, I was thinking along the lines of parenting. But if you notice verse 1-3 are all addressed to children. 75% of the verses for our Scripture reading are addressed to the kids here. And that is really significant, for a number of reasons, not least of which is because these aren’t just the words of Paul, these are the words of God. Scripture is God’s Word. Which means God addresses children directly. So for the next few moments I want to speak to the kids.

Kids, God loves you. He sees you. He knit you together in your mother’s womb. You are precious in His sight. When God says to obey your parents, it is not because he doesn’t want you to have fun. He is not like some overbearing babysitter in the sky. He says it because he wants your good. 

I know that a number of you play sports and for a moment I want you to imagine being on a soccer team. Say you are out on the field in the middle of a game and you go to kick the ball to a teammate. But you don’t strike the ball quite right and it goes soaring out of bounds. How would you feel if immediately after that the coach pulled you out of the game? And if for the rest of the game you sat on the bench and your coach never said a word to you. That would be terrible. But now imagine if you had a different coach, and after you sailed the soccer ball this coach pulled you to the side, put his arm around you, and said, “Hey, don’t worry about it. I saw what you were trying to do. That was the absolute right play. Next time, try striking it with this part of your foot. Go grab a drink of water, I’m putting you back into the game in just a minute.” You would feel so cared for and so seen. You would know that your coach meant good for you.

And I want you to hear that God is like that second coach. When you hear, “obey your parents in the Lord,” you should hear that the most amazing, most loving being in the universe is speaking to you for your good. The God of the universe wants to coach you! That’s pretty cool.

And like a good coach, God doesn’t just tell you what to do. He also tells you why you should do it. God gives the reason why you should obey. At the end of verse 1 it says “for this is right.” 

You know how in Moana. She was all like, “I’ve gotta find my own way and sail away from this island.” Well it kinda worked out for her. But usually that is not the best way. When Paul says you should obey because it is right. What he is trying to say is that it is not good to try and figure everything out on your own. That’s what you have parents for. Have you ever been on a road trip and you wake up and you’re like “oh we are already there?” Yea we are already there because mom and dad have been driving for the last 8 hours. And that is the way it is supposed to be. You aren’t supposed to be staring at the road paying attention to every single driver that goes by. You are supposed to listen to music, play with your siblings or take a nap. It’s your parents job to pay attention to all that other stuff. And that is exactly what Paul is saying here. “obey your parents in the Lord, because they are looking out for you in ways that you aren’t always aware of. There are a bunch of things you don’t need to worry about for a long time.

And as an awesome coach, God doesn’t just tell you what to do and why you should do it. He also tells you how things will turn out if you do it. In verse 3 God gives you a promise. “Obey your parents. Honor your father and mother. That it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” The goal of everything that we’ve been talking about is your joy. God wants you to enjoy your whole life for the whole of your life. And for that to happen you need to learn right from wrong. You need to learn how to love Him and be a good friend. And by God’s design you learn a lot of that stuff through your parents.  

This doesn’t mean your parents are perfect or they can’t make mistakes. There are times when you know that mom and dad are being a little bit grumpy. Sometimes my kids tell me that I’m using my stern voice. And in those moments, you can remember that you are to obey your parents in the Lord. That means by obeying your parents, you are serving Jesus. By being patient with us and by treating us as God coaches you to do. You are actually, in that moment, showing us what it looks like to be a follower of Jesus.

Well, if that is the good of the household, then what is the goal of the household?

What is the thing that we are to be aiming at? I think Paul just hinted at it in verse 3. “That it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” It makes sense, right if that is the promise that God extends to children, then our goal is probably somehow connected to that promise. 

And the best word that I could come with to describe it was “flourishing.” Which is a fine word, but what does that word even mean? So, I thought to bring it down to earth, we should look to the children’s show Bluey. In the episode “Sticky Gecko,” the mom is trying to get the kids out the door for a playdate. The whole episode is them trying to leave the house. And there is hold up after hold up. Which if you have young kids – you know how that goes. At one point the mom says:

Mom: “it takes ages getting out of the house” 

Bluey: “why” 

Mom: “Because you kids don’t care about being on time”

Bluey: “why” 

Mom: “Because you are too busy having fun. In fact, that’s why we are going to the park. [Your friend] Judo’s been asking for a play date for ages.”

Bluey: “why”

Mom: “Because you are a lovely little kid.”
Blue: “Why”

Mom: “Because I’ve put a lot of work into making sure, you’re a lovely little kid.”

Blue: “Why”

Mom: “Because lovely little kids turn into lovely grown-ups.”

 

And I think that is a lot better than flourishing. Isn’t that what we want? Isn’t that the goal? We want lovely little kids that grow up to be lovely grown-ups.

Which when you put it that way might sound kind of obvious. Like, “doesn’t everybody want that?”

Historically, the answer was “no.”  That isn’t what everybody wanted. We have a letter from 1 BC, where a man named Hilarion wrote to his pregnant wife, Alis. He was away on business, and he asks about her health. He tells her to take care of herself. And then he says “if you bear a child, if it is a boy, let it live. If it is a girl, expose it.” Exposure was the practice of rejecting an infant, taking them outside of the city, and allowing the elements or nature to run its course. And that decision was the prerogative, the right of the father, the paterfamilias, the head of the household. He got to decide if the child would live or die. And that was the world into which Jesus was born. That was the world into which Paul wrote this letter. 

If you read the beginning part of verse 4 it says, “Fathers, which in Greek is short for paterfamilias, don’t exasperate your children.” And I think what Paul is doing here is cutting father’s down to size a little bit. He is reminding these Christian father’s that they are not the final authority in life. They do have authority, but it is under the Lord. And it is only properly exercised when the training and instruction they give points back to the Lord.

It is not uncommon for preachers to draw a real quick line between fathers and exasperation, in our passage. You’ve probably heard some version of “Yea there is just something about dads that runs a little hot. So, Paul is reminding us not to be too hard our kids.” And we shouldn’t be too hard on our kids, but I don’t think that that is Paul’s point. I don’t think he is telling us something about men in general, or fathers in specific, I think he is saying that fatherhood gets distorted when we lose sight of the true goal. Father’s have been given authority by God not for their own comfort, but for the building up of their kids.

That’s what he says at the end of the verse. “Fathers, don’t exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” That word Paul uses “training” is a coaching word. It’s about discipline. Like the discipline of study or the discipline of learning a craft. I think Paul is saying “Get out of the exasperation game all together. And join in with God.” Dads we get to imitate God. We get to be like a great coach in our kids’ lives. To cheer them on when they succeed. To wrap your arms around them when they struggle. To encourage them and teach them how to become lovely grown-ups.

Of course, sometimes we struggle with this. Sometimes we take our eyes off the goal of flourishing, of raising lovely grown-ups. And I think usually when we do that, we start aiming at something like compliance. In Paul’s day that is what the patriarchal system was made to do. But we feel the struggle of it too. I’m a dad of three young kids, and I’ll admit it sometimes, and by sometimes, I mean bedtime, I start looking at my watch and think, “You gotta go to bed now!” I get all frustrated and demanding. A lot shaper and harsher than I want to be. And I think if you were to hit pause at that exact moment and ask me what my goal was I don’t think I’d have a very good answer. I’d probably say, “I don’t know… watch re-runs of Ted Lasso.” What I’m trying to get at is that if we find ourselves moving into exasperation mode, chances are we’ve probably already lost sight of our true goal.

And it can be like that, right? Parenting is hard. It can be physically, emotionally, and financially exhausting. There was a time when our kids were a little bit younger, where Chelsea and I wondered if we would ever sleep through the night again. But parenting is also good. Being a mom or a dad is good thing. God expresses his love to your children through you. That is amazing. God has given you the tremendous privilege of teaching your kids and showing them His love. 

Sometimes after I stood in our messy garage for few minutes, having accomplished nothing, my dad would come out and assess things. And I’d tell him, “Dad I don’t really know what to do here.” And he’d look around for a second and say, “First you gotta get everything out of the garage, then take the scaffold and build a set on that side of the garage and then you can put the planks on it.” And in a matter of moments, I began to get a vision of what I was supposed to do. And the impossible task, became a little more doable. But the best was when he’d start helping me move things around. The instruction was helpful and needed, but it would be hard to put into words what his presence and his help meant to me. 

The relationship between parents and children is often a complicated one. If you’ve read any parenting books, listened to any podcasts in the last decade or so then you are probably very familiar with the importance of the parent child relationship. And I think there is a lot of good in some of that material. Learning about attachment styles and thinking about your story and upbringing is valuable. But sometimes those books, podcasts, and social media posts can make it sound like there isn’t much hope for change. Like if you let the baby cry for just a second too long in those first 100 days the next 18 years are a wash. But at their best that material tells us that change really is possible. That new relationships can be formed. And bonds can be strengthened. 

And if that is true in the world of psychology and relationships, how much truer is it in the Lord? 

At two different points in our passage Paul refers to “the Lord.” “Children, obey your parents in the Lord” and to parents “bring up your children in the training and instruction of the Lord.” And when Paul says “the Lord” he means the Lord that entered into the mess of our world. The Lord who took upon himself all of the sin that has gunked up relationships and households for generations. The Lord who has risen from the dead and poured out his Spirit upon you.

And I think there are a couple very practical things that all of that means:

First, do you realize that as a parent it is completely normal to not know what you are doing some of the time. “I think for some reason we have this idea floating around in our heads that we should just know how to be parents. We should just know how to navigate the emotional rollercoaster that is a toddler. We should just know how to give our teenager guidance and space at the same time. But why? Why should we just know how to do all of that? Raising a human being is one of the most important things another human being can do. And yet for some reason, we expect ourselves to just know how to do it? You didn’t just know how to read a book. You didn’t just know how to do your job. Those things took years of instruction and discipline to learn. Why would it be any different in the household?

Second, and related to that. It’s ok to need help. It’s ok to ask for advice. Paul wouldn’t be giving us instructions if we didn’t need them. The Lord knows that we need help. And he wants to teach us. And notice what a light touch, the Lord uses. 

Paul writes, “Don’t exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” Which is pretty broad isn’t it? Don’t do this, instead do this. We might not have minded if Paul gave us a little more info. But, I think there is tremendous wisdom in his brevity.

The statement “bring up your children up in the training and instruction of the Lord” is given within the context of the church. These instructions for the household are given to the church. Together we are meant to help one another learn and grow as parents. To bring meals to one another. To encourage one another. To pray for one another. Even better than more words on a page, is a community of people who are seeking to follow Jesus together. 

A problem with sermons that focus on the household is that they can easily become detached from the church. We need each other. But there is an even greater problem: sermons, or parenting books, can easily become detached from our deepest need as human beings.

Long before you were a parent, you were a child of God. There are all sorts of different seasons and stages with children. Parenting can become this all-consuming identity. But your deepest need is not to become a better parent. Your deepest need is to be loved by God, your heavenly father.  

He sent his son into this messy world for you. And so the way to grow as a parent, is the same way that everybody grows – through the love of Jesus.

God does not just lob down a pep talk from heaven; he comes near to you in his beloved Son. And Jesus helps you and he changes you. Maybe not at the speed you want or the speed you think you need. But he is doing it. It is happening. You are connected to the risen Lord. You are connected to the one who is restoring all things. And he will never let you go. And he will continue making you into the lovely person you were always meant to be.